Belonging to Groups - A Basic Human Need?

My eyes roved around the hall, searching for my daughter. My three years old is gregarious and confident and makes friends quite easily. I knew that she would be comfortable in the party without me hovering over her. But that doesn’t mean I don’t keep an eye on her. There she was, sitting alongside her new friends, two slightly older girls. She looked up at me, with troubled and questioning eyes. I went over and sat by her side. She immediately opened up her bag of complains. “They say I am dark”, she said accusingly, hoping that I would correct those girls. The girls immediately started to defend themselves. “She is sitting in a black chair, which is why she is dark. We are sitting in a white chair, hence we are white”, they emphasized.

I was too shocked to think for a while. I didn’t expect to hear this from 5 year olds. I turned to my little one, and told her she is not dark or white, and the chair she sits on doesn’t matter.  But I knew it would fall on deaf ears. Within a minute, I heard from her. “Mom, I want a white chair too. I don’t want a black chair”, she whined. I refused to relent, but she just wouldn’t be satisfied till her wish is fulfilled. She went along and dragged a white chair to her friends and sat down beside them. I watched her with troubled eyes, as she followed those girls everywhere through the evening, doing as they did, and oscillating between exhilaration when they included her in the games, and dejection when they wouldn’t.

I was flooded with images of my own childhood. Of my being rejected by the popular children in my class, how everyone tried to belong to one group or other, of my own silly behavior in order to be accepted by a set of friends, of how uneasy it made me feel to be someone not myself. It took a long time for me to find out that it wasn’t necessary. I made more deep and everlasting friendships when I stopped trying hard to please everyone I knew. I wanted to teach all this to my daughter, so that she wouldn’t commit the same mistakes. That she become stronger and more in control of her mind and emotions. That she stop trying to imitate or please others, just so that they would include her in their play. That she can find other friends who are like her.

But my husband calmed me down. “You can’t really teach that to a 3 year old. She has to learn it in the course of her life. Don’t worry so much. She would be fine”, he said with a kind look. He was right in a way. The need to belong to a group is quite an inherent trait in human beings. It was quite useful for our ancestors who were not as strong as the predators of their times. Because of their weak claws, little fur and long childhoods, they needed a group to be and feel protected and safe. This inherent thing is still what makes a person feels safe and secure in a group. Today, sans the harsh environment for survival, man still needs to belong in order to feel secure and confident. Approval from people in the group makes a person feel valued, significant and increases his self worth. Research shows that being excluded is strongly associated with poor mental health and it leads to a destructive loop. Being rejected has very negative and sometimes everlasting effects.

 

So it is natural for my little one to feel accepted by these girls. And what best way to seek approval than to imitate them. So she is not really doing anything wrong, and it is not really dangerous. Guess I wanted to protect her from getting hurt and feeling sad. But can I really shield her from all this? I don’t think so. I need to show her that it is impossible to please everyone or be accepted by everyone around, without losing our own happiness. That there will always be some people who would not understand and approve of what she does. There will always be some children who would not include her in their play. It was really ok, and she should just find other friends to play with. Someday, I hope to be able to make this point across to her !

References: 

https://www.psychologicalscience.org/news/releases/social-acceptance-and-rejection-the-sweet-and-the-bitter.html#.WTYEUfmGPDc

http://www.utahcountycounselors.com/patient-resources/learning-library/the-need-to-relate-and-feel-accepted/

About the Author:

Vidya, Part time writer and a full time mother, passionate about parenting and raising a happy child. Often Volatile and expressive, she writes her mind on her blog